Bridesmaids: Setting Expectations

What Brides Can Expect From Your Maids

wedding dress 2012

There are some great perks to this often-overwhelming role. For starters, the bridesmaids will get to accompany you when you start shopping for dresses, both yours and theirs. They’ll have the opportunity to show off their party-planning skills, with both the shower and the bachelorette party. And as a last bit of fun, they may decorate the honeymoon suite with romantic candles and rose petals for the newlyweds’ arrival. On the flip side, they'll be expected to spread the news about where you're registered; help coordinate out-of-town guest activities and transportation; place welcome gifts in guests' hotel rooms; and collect gift envelopes brought to the reception. They'll also have to assist as hostesses, show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, and generally be helpful.

Bridesmaids make great therapists. Throughout the process, bridesmaids will continue to be trusted friends and good listeners. So they'll be there to keep you laughing which, for any stressed-out bride, can be as effective as venting. In most cases, your therapy will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair smoothing.

Bridesmaids also make great bride-sitters. It will be your maids' job to make sure that you take a moment to eat something, drink something, rest, sit, and all of that other stuff your mom would normally tell you to do. They'll also help you get in and out of your wedding attire -- a huge help when you’re dealing with multiple pounds of dress.

There will be a lot of money involved. For starters, your maids will have to pay for their own ensembles -- from the dress to the shoes to the jewelry. They'll pony up for the shower and the bachelorette party, wedding weekend accommodations, and gifts. All in all, their pocketbooks will take a beating. So remember to be nice to them in return.

What Bridesmaids Expect From the Bride
It’s not all take-take-take. JFK forgive us, but ask not what your bridesmaids can do for you, but what you can do for your bridesmaids. They need you to be compassionate. They're not ladies-in-waiting, so before you turn into one of those "let them eat cake" brides, remember that these girls have feelings, and lives, too. Think about tasks that are reasonable, and those that are just mean. A short meeting over coffee to discuss the upcoming events is reasonable. A 3:00 a.m. envelope-licking session would be considered cruel.


They expect the bride to be considerate of their finances. Is one a student, another independently wealthy? Base things on the lowest common denominator, so none of your maids is struggling to keep up with all the wedding prep.

They want the bride to communicate. Some brides send out a newsletter detailing all of the to-dos and other essential information. This way, everyone is privy to everyone else’s duties, and no one will feel as though she’s being targeted.


They want -- ahem -- a thoughtful gift. Put a lot of effort into a nice present for each of your bridesmaids. Nice doesn’t have to mean expensive -- the gift should be personal and meaningful, and should show how much you appreciate her work and friendship.

They want you to have fun. They know how important this time of your life is and will bend over backward to make sure you’re completely happy with everything. Gee -- isn’t that why you chose them in the first place?

Bridesmaids: The Bridesmaid’s Bill of Rights

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-You have the right to freedom of speech -- sort of: If asked by the bride whether you like something, you may respond honestly. If not asked, you must forever hold your peace.

-You have the power to act with the bride’s best interests in mind. If a troubling situation arises, you have the authority to direct the photographer, bounce rowdy guests, or ask the DJ to cease playing "Macarena."

-You have the right to weigh in on your wedding dress 2012. You also have the right to hope with all your heart that the bride chooses one that you find less than terrifying. However, in the event your dream does not come true, you have no right to complain for a single second.

-You have the right to veto cruel and unusual underwear: a Wonderbra that gives you porn-star cleavage, Spanx that cut off your circulation, panty hose the color of a bad sunburn.

-You shall not be forced by the bride(gowns for debut) to permanently alter your appearance for the sake of looking good in the wedding pictures. This includes, but is not limited to, dyeing your hair, removing tattoos, or getting a nose job.

-You have the right to call it quits on assemble-400-DIY-favors duty, but only after putting in enough hours to make your glue-gun-hand hurt. Don’t forget, the bride needs your help (and she also considers these things "fun").

-You have the right to keep your other job, your other friends, and, yes, your other interests while undergoing your tour of duty. While your loving bride may occasionally forget this important fact, you will remind her nicely.

-You are relieved from your duties after the bride and groom head out on the honeymoon. If you want to do more, you can. But technically, you’re free at last!

Bride……………………………………………………………..X
Bridesmaid…………………………………………………….X

Bridesmaids Gone Wild

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When a bride picks her bridesmaids, she turns to the friends and family members who have been there through good times and bad. Sometimes, though, the bridesmaids are actually responsible for the bad times. We asked brides on TheKnot.com to share their stories of bridesmaids behaving badly.

"I went wedding dress shopping with a couple of bridesmaids and had an 11 a.m. appointment at a bridal salon. One of my bridesmaids had been drinking at a christening before our appointment and showed up totally wasted. She was loud, slurring, and grabbing different wedding dresses off the racks. The sales people kept asking her to sit down, but she wouldn't listen. She finally said that she could tell that she wasn't wanted there and left. As she was driving out of the parking lot, she hit the sales person's car and drove away. They took down her tag number and called the police, who came to the scene and interviewed me as part of their investigation. My bridesmaid then called me that afternoon and screamed at me, accusing me of calling the cops on her. She did not recall hitting a car or behaving the way she did. Needless to say, she is no longer a bridesmaid."
"My bridesmaid called my husband the day before the wedding to inform him that she would be wearing the bridesmaid dress for the ceremony, but was going to change to a 'sexier' dress for the reception. My husband freaked."

"I was in a wedding where one of the other bridesmaids was asked to give the band a CD for the couple's first dance. Well, they played the wrong track -- same song, different version. The couple didn't even notice, but the bridesmaid was furious. She raged loudly against the band during the dance and yelled at the bandleader after. When I tried to calm her down by telling her that the couple didn't even notice, she yelled, 'But I did, and this is about me!'"

"My brother's fiance asked her older sister (who was five months pregnant) to be her matron of honor. However, the pregnant sister didn't like sharing the limelight with anyone -- even at her own sister's wedding! While we were taking pictures before the ceremony, the pregnant sister turned around to ask the groomsman standing behind her that 'if she fainted, would he be able to catch her?' Miraculously, not even two minutes later, the sister 'fainted.' Many people rushed to aid her as she sat in the chair, was fanned, and smiled at everyone."

"When I told my bridesmaid that the wedding date was in November, she said that was stupid and that I should have it in the summer. Then when I chose gold for the bridesmaid dresses she said she wouldn't wear it because it would make her skin look pasty. She went so far as to call all the other girls to convince them to tell me no!"

"All the bridesmaids gathered together to plan the bridal shower, and we were each throwing out ideas. For favors, I wanted to donate to a cancer association in honor of my grandparents. My maid of honor was so against the idea that she argued with everyone at the table until she began crying. It was ridiculous to say the least."

"My friend (I'll call her 'Sue') flew out to be in our wedding, and she and another one of my bridesmaids stayed at our apartment that weekend. We all went out with the other girls for the bachelorette party, but afterwards Sue had some other friends in town and wanted to see them, and the other bridesmaid tagged along. So I gave them my keys, told them to be careful, and went to bed. I woke up early and noticed they weren't back yet, so I sent Sue a text. No reply. By this time it was getting pretty late in the morning, and I was worried. Word spread and soon my whole family knew two of my bridesmaids were MIA! Finally, 12 hours since I last saw them, I got a text that read, 'I'm okay. Sorry.' It turns out Sue ditched my other bridesmaid for one of her guy friends, leaving her alone and without a phone -- she had been lost in the city and trying to get in contact with me all morning."

Bridesmaid Gifts: Shopping Tips & Etiquette

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A thoughtful gift should be both a wedding remembrance and a token of appreciation for your bridesmaids’ time and efforts. With our tips, you’ll be sure to select bridesmaids gifts with the proper care and attention such dear girls deserve.

When To Get Them
Shopping for bridesmaid gifts is one of those tasks that doesn’t have a specific timeline. Of course, it’s better to buy them sooner rather than later -- in general, aim for no later than one to two months prior to the wedding. (The last thing you want to do the week before your wedding is shop for presents -- save procrastinating for Christmas Eve).
In the months leading up to your celebration, keep an eye out for fabulous finds. You might encounter a great off-season sale, stumble across a hot item while compiling your registry, or find something cute when you’re tooling around, say, TheKnot.com. Pick it up and get it out of the way.

What To Spend
There are two things to consider when deciding what you should be shelling out for each maid: What amount will your budget allow? And what are they shelling out for you?
Sometimes the best gifts are those you can’t put in a box. If expenses for your bridal party are running a bit high, consider offering to pay for their wedding-day hair and makeup, for a suite upgrade at the hotel, or for their bridesmai dress.
The first question is obviously the most important -- to that we say spend what you can, remembering that it's really how thoughtful the gift is that counts.
But do ask yourself what you’ve been asking financially of your bridesmaids. If they will be required to shell out an enormous amount of money for things like a plane ticket, hotel room, $500 dress, and $100 pair of shoes (not to mention the bridal shower, your wedding and shower gifts, and more), then a $10 pair of chopsticks might seem a little ungracious. You’re certainly not expected to cover what they’ve spent, but you should be spending enough to say "I appreciate the time, effort, and money you’ve put into this wedding.(burgundy dresses)" Something between $75 and $150 should suffice.
Knot Note: The maid/matron of honor typically receives a bit more lavish gift than the other maids, since it’s normally her job to coordinate the shower and the bachelorette party. Consider spending a little extra on her for the extra mile that she goes for you. Also, don't forget about flower girls and junior bridesmaids (you can spend a little less on them).


When to Give
Bridesmaid gifts are often handed out at the rehearsal dinner, when your closest friends and family are together in one place. The idea is that you make a toast in front of everyone thanking your maids, and then present each of them with their gifts. However, many brides distribute gifts at a bridesmaid luncheon or tea on the day of the wedding(debut dress 2012) (or during a similarly private moment with the ladies) -- where you and your girls can have some downtime together in the midst of the wedding madness.
Knot Note: Some brides also give their shower hostess(es) a special thank-you gift (in addition to bridesmaid gifts). Some easy ideas: A handwritten note, dinner out on the town, or a bouquet of flowers.

What to Give
Before jumping in and deciding what to get, there are a few points that you should remember when you’re choosing your bridesmaid gifts.
What works for one person might not work for another and thankfully, you’re not stuck in a one-gift-fits-all situation. Don’t feel as though you have to get everyone the same present. Think about giving each bridesmaid a different gift, but all within the same price range. That way, each girl will know that you took the time to pick out something just for her.
Make sure your gift is timeless and multifunctional. While accessories to be worn for the wedding make lovely gifts, chances are that a jewelry set or a purse that matches your maid dresses won’t get much wear once the wedding is over. It’s okay to opt for something wedding-specific -- choose a gift that’s wearable, or package it with something useful, say wedding jewelry with a beautiful jewelry box or a nice jewelry cleaning machine.
Take the Would I Want It? test. Before picking up something that seems totally adorable, useful, or creative, stop to think if it’s something that you would like to receive. A monogrammed silver yo-yo is sort of cute in theory, but it will surely end up stashed in the back of a drawer for the next 40 years.